The Gospel and Doubts

The time I stayed in Jackson after summer ended was the first time I ever really thought to question if what my parents had taught me was true.

As a native Utahn, all my life I had been surrounded by people of the same religion. The way I saw it, what I believed was normal. Everyone else believed the exact same things, so why shouldn’t I?

Then I spent the fall in Jackson, Wyoming, surrounded by people with many different belief systems. Suddenly, the world was not so simple. While I had already known that most people in the world did not believe the same things I believed, I didn’t understand what that meant until I finally spent time living outside the Utah Bubble. It was then that I realized that not only do most people believe in completely different things as strongly as I believe in my religion, but also that most of these people consider what I believe to be, shall we say, a little bit . . . different. Weird, even.

For the first time I was forced to consider if I was a Mormon because it was comfortable, or if what I had been taught all my life was actually real.

I didn’t have an answer. I remember walking around the nearby neighborhoods, looking up at the sky and thinking, “God, are you really up there? Or am I just on my own?”

I received no answer. I saw no angels, heard no words spoken to my mind, felt no warm fuzzy feeling. I felt disconnected from God – if he even existed. But I kept going with what I had been taught all my life. I read my scriptures and went to church. I prayed, and as I prayed I told the Lord my doubts. I pondered and I tried to listen, but still I received no answer. I didn’t know what to do. It’s hard to give up something you’ve believed in all your life, but God just felt so far away.

But I kept with it, and as time went on I discovered a couple of reasons to keep going in the gospel, even when my testimony didn’t feel as strong as it once was. My testimony is stronger now, but  I’ve listed those reasons here, along with a couple more I’ve discovered since then as my testimony continues to have its ups and downs, in the hopes that maybe what I have discovered can help someone else who might be struggling with doubts.

1. Belief is a choice. This was the first thing I realized. I knew that I had had spiritual experiences in the past, even though I couldn’t feel that same intensity of the Spirit now. I also realized that I could either rationalize away everything I had felt, or I could choose to have faith. I finally understood that there would probably never be a time when I could honestly say that I knew – my testimony would always be based on the feelings of my heart more than on physical evidence (I know people like to say that they believe without the shadow of a doubt, but until I see an angel I highly doubt I will have that great of assurance that what I believe is true. So in the meantime, I make the choice to interpret certain events to mean that God is heavily involved in my life. I believe because I choose to believe).

2. “By their fruits ye shall know them.” One of my coworkers at the Jackson Trading Company made a comment implying that Mormons are sexist. His comment really got me riled up. Then I realized: it was because I wasn’t sure it wasn’t true. So I did what I always do when I freak out about things like that: I called my mom and cried to her. And then I studied it out and I pondered. And I came to the conclusion that the men I know in the church treat me with more respect than this kid did. The men in the church treat me with a lot more respect than a lot of the male customers in the store did, actually. Not that all non-Mormon men are sexist, and not that all Mormon men aren’t. But I have realized recently that the doctrine of the church is very pro-women. In the church I feel like I am viewed for all I can be, instead of as a sex object. The more I study the role and potential of women in the gospel, the more excited my feminist self gets. Seriously guys. The gospel is awesome.

3. I like the doctrine of the church. I like the idea of unconditional love and forgiveness. I like feeling that I am never alone, that there is always someone watching over me. I love the idea of eternal families. More than just liking these things, though, I can see how they make sense. What the gospel teaches makes sense, and it feels good.

4. Peace. During this period of time in Jackson I had the opportunity to go to a convert baptism. The branch president’s wife was playing prelude music, and I remember the feeling of peace I had as I walked into that room. Not because it completely overwhelmed me with its intensity; it was more that I recognized it as something I didn’t feel all the time. I realized that there was goodness in the church. This is the main reason I still believe. I think this is the main reason I will always believe. I may not always be happy, but I know that doing things like reading my scriptures, praying honestly, and going to church and to the temple bring an extra measure of peace to my life and make it easier to deal with trials.

My testimony has grown since this period in Jackson. Strangely enough, I stopped doubting when I started seriously struggling with anxiety. It’s a lot easier to believe in something when you have a need for it. I’ve realized over the months that the main reason I will always believe in this gospel is the peace, love, and joy it brings. Not that it makes my life easy, but it does make the hard times bearable. Knowing that I am loved no matter what and that there is a purpose to the suffering and pain in this life – and that there can be joy in this life as well – keeps me going when things get rough. This is what will keep me coming back to church even when I have my doubts.

I think this period of doubting made my testimony stronger. I had never understood before what it meant to believe something that others perceive as strange. Now I do – and yet I still believe. This kind of belief is stronger than the belief of something that is considered normal. I am more rooted in the gospel now, and it will be easier in the future to stick to what I believe even when no one around me understands why.

I do know now that Heavenly Father loves me. Sometimes he lets me struggle, but he is always watching out for me and he will always love me. Not because I deserve his love, but because I am his daughter and he knows what I can become. He sent his Son to suffer and die so that, imperfect as I am, I can be made clean and be reconciled to my Father in Heaven. You can put your own name in this paragraph and it will be just as true. This gospel is amazing and brings me so much peace and joy. There are still things I don’t understand, but I believe that the answers are out there and that Heavenly Father will help me as I look for answers.

And an additional resource for those of you struggling with doubts: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/05/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

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