Decision to Serve: Part II

Flash forward to the beginning of summer. My anxiety was much better, but I was still having a hard time adjusting to my new ward. So I asked for a blessing. During that blessing I felt Heavenly Father’s love for me so strong that I suddenly had an intense desire to share that love with all the world. As I was getting ready for bed that night, I announced to my roommate, “I want to go on a mission!”

“Are you sure?” she asked. “Remember what happened last time.” As if I could forget. But she was right; I wasn’t 100% sure, and I didn’t want to jump into anything without being absolutely positive that this time, it would work out.

So I thought about it, and I prayed. And one day at the temple, waiting to do baptisms, the thought of it felt really, really good. But I still was not 100% sure. So I thought about it some more. And one night, while saying my nighttime prayers, the thought came to me: “You’ve already made your decision.” Which was true; I wanted to go and I’m stubborn enough that it would take a lot to change my mind. But still I wasn’t 100% sure that this was what Heavenly Father wanted for my life. So I thought some more, and I prayed some more. And while wishing one night that I could be 100% sure instead of only 90% sure, the thought came into my head: “Can’t you take a leap of faith?” and I knew I had my answer.

So I’m going on a mission, and I am so happy. I get to serve the Lord and draw closer to the Savior while helping others draw close to Him as well. I get to love people and teach them that there is hope and there is joy and most of all there is healing. I am so excited to go.

I am also completely terrified. I get to be away from all my friends and family for eighteen months. I get to work hard every hour I am awake, with no time to spend on just me. I get to be with another person 24/7 – a serious difficulty for someone like me who really likes her quiet alone time. Also, I really don’t deal well with change. I get anxious, and sometimes I get a little depressed, and overall it’s just a huge challenge – one I’m not sure I can deal with while still managing to be an effective missionary.

It’s times like these that I am grateful for my stubbornness and the way it keeps me going, because even though I am not sure how it will turn out, I am taking that leap of faith. I am putting my trust in Heavenly Father. He will not lead me astray, and He has given his approval for me to go. I don’t know what challenges may lay ahead, but I know from past experiences that He will provide a way for me to get through them. So however difficult these eighteen months may be, I am going on a mission, and I know it will be worth it.

Guys, I’M GOING ON A MISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Decision to Serve: Part I

I have recently decided that it’s not actually me choosing the topic of these blogs. I have a whole list of ideas of what to write about, but somehow the only words that will flow are ones about something completely different. Something a bit more personal. I keep sharing more about myself than I normally would, but somehow it feels right. Today’s topic is something that’s been on my mind for a while now. And since I tend to pray to know what to write and how to write it, probably I should pay attention when ideas come and won’t leave me alone. So here goes, and I hope it makes a difference in at least one person’s life.

 I have always wanted to go on a mission. So when I turned 21 almost a year ago, I decided that then would probably be a good time to submit my papers. I turned them in the end of October. A couple of days later, I got a call from my stake president.  He said, “The Mission Office called me about your mission call. They’re concerned because you listed your last panic attack as being only six months ago and they would prefer that it be at least a year. You’re going to have to get a Psychological Evaluation to see if you can still go out.”

 I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not go on a mission? Wasn’t I worthy enough? I was tough; I could deal with a mission in spite of my anxiety. Couldn’t I?

 But lately my anxiety had been getting worse, and I knew that at that time it was at a point where I wouldn’t be able to pass my Psychological Evaluation. So I moved back to college and started getting counseling. I also started looking for a medication to help with the anxiety – something I never thought I would agree to do. And I decided a mission just wasn’t for me.

 I wasn’t very happen with this decision. This was not how I had had my life planned out. I wanted to go on a mission. I was obedient, I was worthy, and above all I was tougher than anything the world could throw at me. I had thought that I could handle anything – but apparently the Lord didn’t feel the same way. Not being able to go made me feel weak, and I hated that feeling.

 But I began to realize that my reasons for going were not what they should have been. Beyond the anxiety, maybe there were other things I had to overcome before I could go out – things such as my pride and my expectations for how my life should go.

 You see, I felt like I was expected to go on a mission. I didn’t understand how any girl who had a testimony would not want to go. It wasn’t so much that I judged those girls who didn’t go as that I felt that everyone else would judge me – goody-two-shoes, always obedient me – if I didn’t go. I also wanted to prove that I was tough. Everyone says that missions are hard, and I wanted to prove that I was strong enough to handle it. So I sent in my papers – and got rejected. What a blow to my pride.

But through a lot of prayer and study and talking to my parents, I learned to be humble. I learned to trust in the Lord. I learned that there are other ways to be a missionary besides receiving an official call, and I’d rather be a member missionary than only serve for 18 months and then be done. I learned that yes, I am tough, but that does not mean that there are never any limits to what I can do. It means that I can survive anything because I am determined, but it does not mean that I will never have any setbacks in life. I learned that it is with Heavenly Father’s help that I can do all things that I need to do – and I learned to redefine what those things are. So I learned to be okay with not going on a mission.

Dear Darla

I'm taking a break from my normal serious posts to tell you guys how I sometimes feel about men and being single.

And by sometimes, I mean all the time. 

Dear   Attractive Men   Good-Looking Guys   Cute Boys   Persons of the Male Gender,

I   love you   kind of maybe possibly really like you    really wish a certain one of you noticed my existence  hate your stinkin’ guts. You make me   giddy   self-conscious   act like an idiot   vomit. You’re   way too attractive for your own good   complicated   frustrating   the scum between my toes.

Love   Hugs and Kisses   Your Friend   Sincerely,

A twitter pated   desperate   exasperated   typical girl

How to be Incredible

“Our women [and men] are not incredible because they have managed to avoid the difficulties of life – quite the opposite. They are incredible because of the way they face the trials of life.”

-Elder Quentin L. Cook

When I first came upon this quote, I didn’t feel very incredible. I was struggling with depression, and I felt worthless and unloved (neither of which were actually true, although at the time those feelings were very real). It was hard for me to feel the Spirit, even though I was doing everything I was supposed to and nothing that I wasn’t. I felt like even Heavenly Father didn’t love me – I couldn’t understand why he would.

But then I read this quote. It didn’t make everything better; it didn’t even bring the Spirit to the extent that I was used to feeling it – although it was still enough to make me cry. But for the first time in several months, I understand something fundamental about my trial: My depression did not define me. It did not make me a horrible person, nor did it make me weak or detestable. My depression made me human, and that was all.

Things still didn’t get better for several months after that. Most days the insight I gained from this quote still didn’t register in my heart. But I still look on that experience as evidence of God’s love for me, that I could read this message and, for the first time in a long time, feel a portion of his love for me at a time when I desperately needed that reassurance. 

And this quote still has meaning to my life now. I may not always be strong, but I have always been brave. I don’t give up, even though I’ve been tempted to many times. No matter what happens, I keep going. I keep reading my scriptures and going to church. I keep looking for answers, I keep praying, and always, always I “keep on keeping on.”

The message for you, dear readers, is that your trials don’t define you. They don’t make you weak. The most incredible people are those who have gone through the hardest trials – just think about all the people whom you consider truly incredible. It’s not what’s happened to them in life that’s made them incredible; it’s how they’ve dealt with it. And how are you supposed to deal with trials? (This is your cue for the Primary answers): Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, serve others (while keeping in mind Mosiah 4:27), but most of all, keep going no matter what. One day at a time, however much you can do. That is all Heavenly Father has ever asked of you.

And that, dear readers, is what will make you incredible.