The following was written by a friend of mine. I learned a bit about his struggle with depression when I told him about my anxiety. He said that he wanted to use his experiences to help others who were likewise struggling, so I asked him to write a guest post for this blog. He very kindly agreed and has put a lot of time and effort into writing this post. If it helps even one person, it will have been worth it.
My Story
I was in China studying and having
the time of my life when one morning my world completely changed. I was
suddenly sapped of all my strength, and everything seemed pointless. Rather
than go out, I chose to stay inside alone. Rather than interact with friends
and teachers, I tried my best to avoid them. Happiness was replaced by
nothingness.
Eventually I mustered up the
courage to apologize to my roommate for my behavior. He was surprisingly very
understanding of my situation and suggested that I meet with a counselor when I
get back home.
After a few weeks I returned home
to resume my studies. At that point I thought I was finally free of the
emptiness that plagued my last few weeks in China, but within a short amount of
time it returned and escalated.
Getting out of bed to go to school
was a struggle, and as soon as I came home I withdrew myself into my room,
where my thoughts tortured me. “You’re ugly. You’re worthless. You’ll never
amount to anything.” These words consumed my mind, and before long I believed
them. I felt like a giant anvil constantly crushed my chest, suffocating me. It
became so unbearable that soon not a day passed that I wished to disappear from
this existence.
To make a long story short, about
half way through the semester I decided enough was enough, and started meeting
with a counselor. At first I was extremely skeptical about everything, but over
time I slowly opened up. From my weekly counseling sessions I learned that I
had been suffering from depression for several years, and more importantly, I
began to understand who I really am.
Dealing with Depression
Did counseling “cure” my
depression? No, but it did give me tools to be able to deal with it. Although
depression will always be a part of my life, I now know that I ultimately have
control over how large of a role it will play. Despite this fact, I would be
lying if I said the past few years have been easy; however, I’ve been truly
fortunate to have had some experiences that have helped me cope with
depression.
The first was before counseling
when I was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. There was an extended period of time when I was depressed, exhibiting
several of the symptoms I outlined above. At the time I had no idea what was
wrong with me, and thought whatever was weighing me down would soon subside. It
did not, and continued to severely hinder my ability to work. I remember one
morning while praying I had the distinct impression that I could choose how I
feel. Suddenly all feelings of despair were replaced by feelings of joy, and
for the rest of my mission I was depression-free. Perhaps this change came from
within, but I believe it came from God. This is one of my most treasured
experiences, because at that moment I experienced a small portion of the
healing power of Christ’s Atonement. While I may still struggle with depression
today, I know one day I will be free from its chains.
My second experience was during the
depressive episode after I returned from China. Every day after school I would
come home and play online computer games for hours on end. By playing I was
able forget about the pain. However, this was only a temporary solution, and
every time I finished I would be left with a feeling of emptiness. It was
during my online gaming that I met an individual who reminded me of myself.
After several long conversations, one day she revealed that she had a difficult
life growing up and now was all alone at college. Hearing her story made my
heart ache, and I wished I could take all the pain away. I can’t recall the
exact words I said, but I know I tried to comfort her to the best of my
ability. I also encouraged her to give counseling a try (I had already had
several sessions before this conversation). To my joy she later did seek help
and was feeling a lot better. From our conversations I found renewed purpose in
life. I learned that I can draw from my experiences with depression to help
those around me.
The final experience I want to
share is a simple one. When I found myself falling into another depression last
semester, I decided to start taking evening walks in order to counteract the
symptoms. The walks proved to be extremely therapeutic and helped me take my
mind off things. I will never forget what happened during one of those walks.
As I was nearing home I had the sudden realization that I am a unique
individual in this world, and that while I am nothing in the grand scheme of
things, I still help complete God’s creation. At that moment tears streamed
down my face, and I knew that God loves His children.
Conclusion
Perhaps you are struggling with
depression and feel things will not get any better. My advice to you is to hang
in there. During my most trying times I chose to remain in this world, and
discovered that that no matter how bleak life may seem it still has meaning.
Even as I write this I find that fact hard to believe, but deep inside I know
it is true. While you may share different beliefs, I am confident that
everybody is entitled to similar experiences that I’ve shared above. The road
ahead won’t be easy. In fact, as life goes on we will still face many
challenges. Sometimes it may feel like we are trapped in a sea of darkness with
nowhere to go and no one to turn to, but I know as we endure it well we will
discover glimmers of light that pierce even the thickest of darkness.
