Hands Off

*I debated for a long time about posting this because part of me feels that it is just me overreacting. Which it is. But writing it helped me to get over my tendency to overreact, at least to an extent, and I'm sure that there are girls out there who feel the same way for some deep-rooted reason, whatever it may be, and so I am posting it. Also because I think that it's beautiful and forceful and emotional and that is how I wish I always wrote. And because a part of me will always be very non touchy-feely, so in a way I still relate to this piece.

This is what I did during my Introduction to the English Language class today while the TA, who is engaging, taught us about phonetics, which is interesting, and I felt bad for not listening but my mind and my heart had something they wanted to say, so they did, and here it is.

Why I Freak Out At Touch

I can’t focus because the thoughts are flowing around in my brain, a lake filling up with words words words until they have no choice but to burst through the dam that is my mind and as they channel down through my pen the water channels out through my eyes and I am crying, great splotches that blot my words as they appear on the page, and my teardrops merge with my words and they are one, just as my emotions merge with my mental abilities merge with my spirituality merges with my physical body and they all swirl together and are one.

And to the man who wants only part of me, who wants my body but not my soul, know that you cannot connect with my body without also yanking on my emotions, my mind, my relationship with my God, and if you try to pull me apart like that you will not leave me whole.

So I am sorry I will not cuddle with you, I am sorry that I freak out when you press your hand against my back and leave it there a moment too long, but my body is mine and I will not give even the tiniest bit away without you promising me in return the tiniest bit of your heart.

And when you have given me that sliver of your heart, when I have come to trust that you will not pull mine apart (at least not without tears and even then only if you think it is for the best for the both of us) then we can cuddle and hold hands and yes, maybe even we can kiss.

But until then? Hands. Off.