Decision to Serve: Part I

I have recently decided that it’s not actually me choosing the topic of these blogs. I have a whole list of ideas of what to write about, but somehow the only words that will flow are ones about something completely different. Something a bit more personal. I keep sharing more about myself than I normally would, but somehow it feels right. Today’s topic is something that’s been on my mind for a while now. And since I tend to pray to know what to write and how to write it, probably I should pay attention when ideas come and won’t leave me alone. So here goes, and I hope it makes a difference in at least one person’s life.

 I have always wanted to go on a mission. So when I turned 21 almost a year ago, I decided that then would probably be a good time to submit my papers. I turned them in the end of October. A couple of days later, I got a call from my stake president.  He said, “The Mission Office called me about your mission call. They’re concerned because you listed your last panic attack as being only six months ago and they would prefer that it be at least a year. You’re going to have to get a Psychological Evaluation to see if you can still go out.”

 I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not go on a mission? Wasn’t I worthy enough? I was tough; I could deal with a mission in spite of my anxiety. Couldn’t I?

 But lately my anxiety had been getting worse, and I knew that at that time it was at a point where I wouldn’t be able to pass my Psychological Evaluation. So I moved back to college and started getting counseling. I also started looking for a medication to help with the anxiety – something I never thought I would agree to do. And I decided a mission just wasn’t for me.

 I wasn’t very happen with this decision. This was not how I had had my life planned out. I wanted to go on a mission. I was obedient, I was worthy, and above all I was tougher than anything the world could throw at me. I had thought that I could handle anything – but apparently the Lord didn’t feel the same way. Not being able to go made me feel weak, and I hated that feeling.

 But I began to realize that my reasons for going were not what they should have been. Beyond the anxiety, maybe there were other things I had to overcome before I could go out – things such as my pride and my expectations for how my life should go.

 You see, I felt like I was expected to go on a mission. I didn’t understand how any girl who had a testimony would not want to go. It wasn’t so much that I judged those girls who didn’t go as that I felt that everyone else would judge me – goody-two-shoes, always obedient me – if I didn’t go. I also wanted to prove that I was tough. Everyone says that missions are hard, and I wanted to prove that I was strong enough to handle it. So I sent in my papers – and got rejected. What a blow to my pride.

But through a lot of prayer and study and talking to my parents, I learned to be humble. I learned to trust in the Lord. I learned that there are other ways to be a missionary besides receiving an official call, and I’d rather be a member missionary than only serve for 18 months and then be done. I learned that yes, I am tough, but that does not mean that there are never any limits to what I can do. It means that I can survive anything because I am determined, but it does not mean that I will never have any setbacks in life. I learned that it is with Heavenly Father’s help that I can do all things that I need to do – and I learned to redefine what those things are. So I learned to be okay with not going on a mission.

Dear Darla

I'm taking a break from my normal serious posts to tell you guys how I sometimes feel about men and being single.

And by sometimes, I mean all the time. 

Dear   Attractive Men   Good-Looking Guys   Cute Boys   Persons of the Male Gender,

I   love you   kind of maybe possibly really like you    really wish a certain one of you noticed my existence  hate your stinkin’ guts. You make me   giddy   self-conscious   act like an idiot   vomit. You’re   way too attractive for your own good   complicated   frustrating   the scum between my toes.

Love   Hugs and Kisses   Your Friend   Sincerely,

A twitter pated   desperate   exasperated   typical girl

How to be Incredible

“Our women [and men] are not incredible because they have managed to avoid the difficulties of life – quite the opposite. They are incredible because of the way they face the trials of life.”

-Elder Quentin L. Cook

When I first came upon this quote, I didn’t feel very incredible. I was struggling with depression, and I felt worthless and unloved (neither of which were actually true, although at the time those feelings were very real). It was hard for me to feel the Spirit, even though I was doing everything I was supposed to and nothing that I wasn’t. I felt like even Heavenly Father didn’t love me – I couldn’t understand why he would.

But then I read this quote. It didn’t make everything better; it didn’t even bring the Spirit to the extent that I was used to feeling it – although it was still enough to make me cry. But for the first time in several months, I understand something fundamental about my trial: My depression did not define me. It did not make me a horrible person, nor did it make me weak or detestable. My depression made me human, and that was all.

Things still didn’t get better for several months after that. Most days the insight I gained from this quote still didn’t register in my heart. But I still look on that experience as evidence of God’s love for me, that I could read this message and, for the first time in a long time, feel a portion of his love for me at a time when I desperately needed that reassurance. 

And this quote still has meaning to my life now. I may not always be strong, but I have always been brave. I don’t give up, even though I’ve been tempted to many times. No matter what happens, I keep going. I keep reading my scriptures and going to church. I keep looking for answers, I keep praying, and always, always I “keep on keeping on.”

The message for you, dear readers, is that your trials don’t define you. They don’t make you weak. The most incredible people are those who have gone through the hardest trials – just think about all the people whom you consider truly incredible. It’s not what’s happened to them in life that’s made them incredible; it’s how they’ve dealt with it. And how are you supposed to deal with trials? (This is your cue for the Primary answers): Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, serve others (while keeping in mind Mosiah 4:27), but most of all, keep going no matter what. One day at a time, however much you can do. That is all Heavenly Father has ever asked of you.

And that, dear readers, is what will make you incredible.

Frodo, Ammon, and the Art of Being an Instrument

I’ve been realizing lately that sometimes I’m really weak (it took me a while, I know). Well, more like, I worry that I’m not good enough to do what Heavenly Father expects me to do, especially when it comes to service. What if I don’t know the right thing to say to comfort someone? And I think about all the times I fail to be friendly to someone, and I just feel so disheartened. But I’ve learned something lately that helps me feel better.

 

About a week ago I started reading The Lord of the Rings. Rereading, I should say. My goal this time around is to actually make it all the way through the third book. So far, I’m about 90 pages into the first one. I’m working on it.

 

In the meantime, though, I have managed to find some little gems of wisdom hidden within the pages of this book. Such as when Gandalf has just explained to Frodo what the ring he has inherited from Bilbo is. Frodo cannot understand how he has ended up with a ring of such great power and been assigned to so perilous a quest. Gandalf tells him, “You can be sure it is not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and hearts and wits as you have.”

 

Wow, Gandalf, thanks for the confidence-boost.

 

But when Frodo suggests that Gandalf take the ring, Gandalf refuses on the grounds that, knowing his own power, he would be too tempted to use the power of ring, thus enabling it to gain control over him.

 

So why do we care about this little story? Well, first off, because Lord of the Rings is awesome. But really we care because it illustrates an important concept. There’s another story, this one from the Book of Mormon, that also illustrates this concept.

 

When the sons of Mosiah meet up again after their missions to the Lamanites, Ammon starts going off about how much good they have accomplished.  His brother Aaron gets after him for bragging. In Alma 26:11-12 it says,

 

“But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.”

 

Do you see what happened there? Ammon knew that it was not him that converted the Lamanites, but rather, it was the Lord working through him. It was not Ammon’s strength. It was not his masterful speaking or his charismatic personality. It was his humility and the fact that he was listening to the Spirit and letting the Lord work through him.

 

So, how does this relate to ordinary people like you and me? Well, from what I’ve read, it sounds like Ammon and Frodo were just ordinary people (well, technically Frodo was a hobbit, but you get my drift). And, as Paul points out in his epistle to the Romans, ordinary people are the ones that the Lord works through; people who are humble and aware of their weakness, and also aware of God’s power and willingness to help them. As it says in Romans 1:25-27:

 

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.

 

So yes, I am weak, but God is mighty. It is not myself that I need to have confidence in, but the Lord; confidence that he can transform my imperfect efforts into something magnificent. I may be only an instrument in his hands, but an instrument in the hands of a master can make something beautiful. And what can be more beautiful than something made by the Father of us all?

The Gospel and Doubts

The time I stayed in Jackson after summer ended was the first time I ever really thought to question if what my parents had taught me was true.

As a native Utahn, all my life I had been surrounded by people of the same religion. The way I saw it, what I believed was normal. Everyone else believed the exact same things, so why shouldn’t I?

Then I spent the fall in Jackson, Wyoming, surrounded by people with many different belief systems. Suddenly, the world was not so simple. While I had already known that most people in the world did not believe the same things I believed, I didn’t understand what that meant until I finally spent time living outside the Utah Bubble. It was then that I realized that not only do most people believe in completely different things as strongly as I believe in my religion, but also that most of these people consider what I believe to be, shall we say, a little bit . . . different. Weird, even.

For the first time I was forced to consider if I was a Mormon because it was comfortable, or if what I had been taught all my life was actually real.

I didn’t have an answer. I remember walking around the nearby neighborhoods, looking up at the sky and thinking, “God, are you really up there? Or am I just on my own?”

I received no answer. I saw no angels, heard no words spoken to my mind, felt no warm fuzzy feeling. I felt disconnected from God – if he even existed. But I kept going with what I had been taught all my life. I read my scriptures and went to church. I prayed, and as I prayed I told the Lord my doubts. I pondered and I tried to listen, but still I received no answer. I didn’t know what to do. It’s hard to give up something you’ve believed in all your life, but God just felt so far away.

But I kept with it, and as time went on I discovered a couple of reasons to keep going in the gospel, even when my testimony didn’t feel as strong as it once was. My testimony is stronger now, but  I’ve listed those reasons here, along with a couple more I’ve discovered since then as my testimony continues to have its ups and downs, in the hopes that maybe what I have discovered can help someone else who might be struggling with doubts.

1. Belief is a choice. This was the first thing I realized. I knew that I had had spiritual experiences in the past, even though I couldn’t feel that same intensity of the Spirit now. I also realized that I could either rationalize away everything I had felt, or I could choose to have faith. I finally understood that there would probably never be a time when I could honestly say that I knew – my testimony would always be based on the feelings of my heart more than on physical evidence (I know people like to say that they believe without the shadow of a doubt, but until I see an angel I highly doubt I will have that great of assurance that what I believe is true. So in the meantime, I make the choice to interpret certain events to mean that God is heavily involved in my life. I believe because I choose to believe).

2. “By their fruits ye shall know them.” One of my coworkers at the Jackson Trading Company made a comment implying that Mormons are sexist. His comment really got me riled up. Then I realized: it was because I wasn’t sure it wasn’t true. So I did what I always do when I freak out about things like that: I called my mom and cried to her. And then I studied it out and I pondered. And I came to the conclusion that the men I know in the church treat me with more respect than this kid did. The men in the church treat me with a lot more respect than a lot of the male customers in the store did, actually. Not that all non-Mormon men are sexist, and not that all Mormon men aren’t. But I have realized recently that the doctrine of the church is very pro-women. In the church I feel like I am viewed for all I can be, instead of as a sex object. The more I study the role and potential of women in the gospel, the more excited my feminist self gets. Seriously guys. The gospel is awesome.

3. I like the doctrine of the church. I like the idea of unconditional love and forgiveness. I like feeling that I am never alone, that there is always someone watching over me. I love the idea of eternal families. More than just liking these things, though, I can see how they make sense. What the gospel teaches makes sense, and it feels good.

4. Peace. During this period of time in Jackson I had the opportunity to go to a convert baptism. The branch president’s wife was playing prelude music, and I remember the feeling of peace I had as I walked into that room. Not because it completely overwhelmed me with its intensity; it was more that I recognized it as something I didn’t feel all the time. I realized that there was goodness in the church. This is the main reason I still believe. I think this is the main reason I will always believe. I may not always be happy, but I know that doing things like reading my scriptures, praying honestly, and going to church and to the temple bring an extra measure of peace to my life and make it easier to deal with trials.

My testimony has grown since this period in Jackson. Strangely enough, I stopped doubting when I started seriously struggling with anxiety. It’s a lot easier to believe in something when you have a need for it. I’ve realized over the months that the main reason I will always believe in this gospel is the peace, love, and joy it brings. Not that it makes my life easy, but it does make the hard times bearable. Knowing that I am loved no matter what and that there is a purpose to the suffering and pain in this life – and that there can be joy in this life as well – keeps me going when things get rough. This is what will keep me coming back to church even when I have my doubts.

I think this period of doubting made my testimony stronger. I had never understood before what it meant to believe something that others perceive as strange. Now I do – and yet I still believe. This kind of belief is stronger than the belief of something that is considered normal. I am more rooted in the gospel now, and it will be easier in the future to stick to what I believe even when no one around me understands why.

I do know now that Heavenly Father loves me. Sometimes he lets me struggle, but he is always watching out for me and he will always love me. Not because I deserve his love, but because I am his daughter and he knows what I can become. He sent his Son to suffer and die so that, imperfect as I am, I can be made clean and be reconciled to my Father in Heaven. You can put your own name in this paragraph and it will be just as true. This gospel is amazing and brings me so much peace and joy. There are still things I don’t understand, but I believe that the answers are out there and that Heavenly Father will help me as I look for answers.

And an additional resource for those of you struggling with doubts: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/05/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

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Venting in Nature: Finding Peace and Love

Sometimes life is stressful. Heck, who am I kidding? Life is pretty much always stressful, in one way or another. Some days I don’t know how I can cope with it without screaming my head off at someone – because I’ve noticed that when I am the most stressed about something is when other people are at their most annoying.

Over the past year I have discovered two things that are guaranteed to help me find peace and love. These things aren’t necessarily universal, but I do think they illustrate a couple of important concepts.

The first thing is being out in nature. When I lived in Jackson, Wyoming last summer, every chance I got I would go out to the Tetons (that’s Grand Teton National Park, for those of you who haven’t talked to me enough to have me talk endlessly about my favorite place ever). Coming back from those adventures – or sometimes even while still driving out there – I felt as if all the stress of the world had been lifted away. I remember when day in particular when work had just been a beast. As soon as I saw those mountains, I felt as if a physical burden had been lifted from off my shoulders. I felt at peace. I felt connected with myself and with God, and as a natural result of that I found myself caring more about other people than about myself.

The second thing that is guaranteed to bring me peace is venting my feelings to someone who will listen and try to build me up without judging me. As hard as it is for me to admit, sometimes I just need a good cry. And as soon as I let myself cry to someone the world seems like a much happier place. I am at peace, and as a result I am much better able to care about the people around me.

I believe that the reason these two things bring me so much peace is because they make me feel connected. Nature connects me to God, and crying to someone connects me to other people. Connecting to God and other people helps me to feel connected to myself. These three relationships are the most important things in life, and being able to feel the love that comes from them brings me peace and fills me with joy.

Not that doing these two things takes away all my trials. It doesn’t. But it feels me with love and makes my trials easier to deal with. It also makes other people easier to deal with, which can do a lot towards making life in general easier to deal with.

I’m not saying that if you’re not doing these two things then you’re not going to find peace. But I would like to suggest that you find your own way to connect to God. Prophets have recommended finding a quiet place to commune with the Lord. For me, the best place for that happens to be in a national park. For you, it might be your bedroom. Or the closet. Heck, even the bathroom works – especially if you’re sharing a room with a roommate (yes, there have been times when it’s been a habit of mine to pray in the bathroom. Sometimes it’s the only private place around). And as for connecting to other people, sometimes you’ve got to be willing to be vulnerable (if you have the time, I really suggest listening to that talk. Heck, even if you don’t have time you still should listen to that talk).

So take the time to connect. Connect to God, connect to the people around you, connect to yourself. It takes time and a bit of effort – sometimes it even takes a bit of courage – but it’s worth it. Really. And what’s more: you’re worth it.

Learning to Float

Last summer I spent as much time as possible at the lake. I love swimming – and mountains, and lakes – and there was something about lying on my back in the water, completely relaxed, not worried about work or friends or even about drowning, that soothed all my stresses away. But I learned early on that in order to be like that, I had to learn to let go. If I didn’t want to sink, I had to relax and trust the water to hold my body up. Even when it was windy and my body would move with the waves, if I could relax and trust the water I would stay afloat.

And, as I’ve been learning, so it is with life. Life is scary sometimes. As soon as we get complacent with our circumstances – jobs, relationships, location – things change. People move, we move, people change and move on and leave us behind. Nothing in life is constant, yet we all fear change. I fear change. I’m scared of starting over, of making new friends, of having to learn new skills, of the hardships I will have to go through in order to grow. What if I’m not good enough? What if no one likes me? What if I cry myself to sleep every night, and there’s no one around me I trust to let inside?

But that’s where the gospel comes in. God is constant, and I know that if I trust in him I will be safe. If I can stop trying to control everything around me, if I do my best and then trust in the Lord to make up the difference, then I will be at peace.

For me, trusting in God is a matter of letting go. Letting go of my worries, of my fears, of my stress and trusting that, because my Heavenly Father loves me and my Savior suffered so that he would have the power to make me whole, I will be okay. When I do that, then I can begin to see the beauty in life. Like when I lay on my back in a lake in my favorite national park and look up at the pine-tree covered mountain slopes and am so happy to be alive.

There’s another part to this, though. When you’re floating on your back, you can’t just lay there motionless. You have to swim. You don’t have to swim quickly – although sometimes that is enjoyable – but if you stay stationary you will start to sink. It might take a couple minutes, but it will happen. Application? To paraphrase someone important and famous, trusting in the Lord is not a sedentary act. You have to do things to make your situation better. The Lord will magnify your efforts, but in order for him to do that there has to first be some effort.

So I am working on learning to move forward, to let go of my worries and to trust that, because of my the most powerful being in the universe is watching out for me, I will float.

Leigh Lake - pretty much my favorite place ever